I'm back! Hey!

Hey, where did all the people go?

I hope you had a very merry Christmas. Here's hoping the new year is equally as merry. Well, I mean, we can hope...

Right?

I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired

Hello everyone.

I'm sorry I didn't write you in the last week or so; I haven't felt up to it. I still don't feel up to it. Actually, I probably won't be feeling up to much of anything in the foreseeable future. A few days ago I was diagnosed with a rare, terminal illness known as "infectious mononucleosis," but I think the doctor made a mistake and it's just mono.

Anyhow, in order to prepare for death in case the doctor was right, I have composed a list of things I want to do before this tragic illness takes me to the pearly gates or the flames below:

1. I want to go to Germany, Italy, Japan, Ireland, Poland, and maybe a few other countries.

2. I want to live for about 55 more years, give or take a few.

Alright, so that was easy. In other news, I've got six new books to read, the In Rainbows discbox from Radiohead, and a lot of medicine to take. There's also been a lot of movie-watching going on around here, suspiciously.

"Your Confidant"

My top-secret plan to be tired when I finally stop sleeping

Because the ticket industry is probably the single most evil of them all, save what I like to call the "intellectual property" industry or Big Brother, I happened to return empty-handed from the first Wilco pre-sale. In case you didn't know, Wilco are playing 5 shows in a row at the Riviera and while doing so they will attempt to play every song in their entire recorded library. So in other words, each of these shows will be completely unique. Also, I decided I want to go.

The ticket empire beat me to it, though, and the first pre-sale was sold out in seconds. Now, in a matter of hours (10am CST) I will be back for round two. The problem is, I'm still awake, writing this, so I probably will be getting less than seven hours of sleep, since I sleep terribly in the first place. And less than seven hours just doesn't cut it for me.

Oh, and after a few days of finally being back to normal, my mouth thought it would take things for an unexpected turn and start swelling up again. So I also have yet ANOTHER dentist appointment tomorrow.

When you lose your wisdom, it really comes back to bite you with a vengeance.

"Your Confidant"

Fracture

Today (Thursday) I am heading to Day 1 Studios in Chicago to playtest a new game they are developing called Fracture. I am pretty excited for this. Apparently the appointment is going to take about an hour: 30 minutes to play the game, and another 30 minutes to give feedback. Earlier in the year, Day 1 Studios made a presentation in one of my classes and gave us a preview of the game. From what I could see there, it looked pretty fucking awesome. If I remember correctly, there is this crazy new physics engine that they're using. It looked insane.

Anyway, I have to wake up a little early for that (11:30am is really early for me).

Signing off,

"Your Confidant"

----------------
Now playing: Wilco - Let's Not Get Carried Away
via FoxyTunes

On the Assembly Line

Today, I visited the workplace. I folded some bags. I packed them into boxes. Then I sealed the boxes and put them into larger boxes. Here's the way it all works:

20 bags go into one smaller box.
Eight smaller boxes go into one larger box.
These larger boxes are contained in the "factory."
Then, they are shipped off to some hungry consumer, most likely some sort of medical institution.

My wages are decided by the number of smaller boxes I complete.

I am Faceless.

"Your Confidant"

Get me away from here, I'm dying

I have spent too many hours inside this house lately. There's nothing wrong with it. But it's there, and it's been eating away at me. I can't stand it. I need to get out. I feel stupid saying it, but "I need to get out more." Really.

I've got twenty or so more days here in this pad, and I want to make them all good, every last one. Anyone want to help? Let's plan an appointment for tomorrow, the next day, or the one after that.

Crazy thing is, I know when I leave, I will feel happy that I spent so much time at home with family. It's something that crossed my mind often this past autumn, how I felt so detached from them.

Not really homesick. Just fond.

"Your Confidant"

Losing Control

Yesterday, driving home, the ice on the streets attacked me. I was driving, and the next thing I know, the ice was driving me. What the heck? I didn't know that's how it worked. Anyway, I guess the ice doesn't know how to drive very well, because it drove the car into the curb. I say, good thing the ice chose to drive when there were no other moving vehicles around. Ohh, how lucky. I can almost say, "An airbag saved my life." But not quite. Now I'm nervous. Would the airbag have been there for me if I needed it? I don't think so. I don't trust my airbag.

Signed,

"Your Confidant"

Jesus in 10 days

So many times, I come here, rant. But no longer. Today, I come here, rejoice. Why is that. It is because most high God has given me most joyous healing. I worship him for that thing. How can I not. Is there anything else to do. I do not think so. I am always right. I know this. Fuck the police.

Everything is new. Tomorrow morning, there will be new clouds in the sky. Tonight, there are new stars. But not on TV. Everything there is old. Stale. Nothing is new there. Only in real life, which is the Internet, new things. Anywhere else, old things. Walking around in human form, person, old and stale. Boring. I do not want this. You, reader, do not want this. I promise this. From now on, what we want is digital and electronic. Only way to go. None other. I cannot stop. Why would I want to stop when I have all information right here. They say at my fingertips. I say no, this is just fancy English. Why use fancy English. It is just there for rich bitches and word smiths. Fuck these people. I have no need for rich bitches or word smiths. I make up my own say. No one else make up my say. Do you understand?

Well, I will not elaborate.

"Your Confidant"

----------------
Now playing: LCD Soundsystem - Yr City's a Sucker
via FoxyTunes

Fitter, Happier, More Productive (scooters, vacation, fall)

Maybe it's just the V I took at 9am, but I woke up with a vengeance this morning. I feel non-terrible. Progess.

I'm ready to attack the outer universe. I think. Because I laughed myself to sleep last night.

By the time I get back to college, I'm gonna be so out of the learning mode. It's gonna be trouble. Long breaks are danger.

----------------
Now playing: Dinosaur Jr - Pick Me Up
via FoxyTunes

"Some nights the painkillers make the pain even worse"

I can't drive with this stuff. It's making me angry, but so happy too. I saw the oral surgeon today for a post-op checkup. He said that normally, the operation takes him 15 minutes. Mine took 45 minutes. The difference is in the way that mine were growing in. They were impacted. One of my bottom teeth had to come out in a bunch of pieces. All of the removed teeth had been growing in sideways, so the gap that needs to eventually close is twice as big. One more week until my mouth can open as wide as it normally can. I still feel as bad as I did after the day of surgery, unless I got the V in me. The little wanna-be v just doesn't do the job.

So I guess today is just a day to (continue to) sit at home and watch the Bears game. At least there's something to keep me somewhat occupied. What a sweet break though! Come home from college where I eat a lot of shitty food at the student center cafeteria, and I come home to all this great food and...can't eat it. Plus I can barely see any of my friends that I already hadn't seen for a while. Do nothing. Eat nothing. Etc. Bad timing.

/endrant

Read Nelson Algren. The Man with the Golden Arm. Really good stuff, kinda helping to keep me occupied too.

Etc.

"Your Confidant"

P.S. I played around with the site's layout a bit, made it a little less tacky. Added an option to turn theme music on or off, added some really cool and interesting links, and removed the pointless poll. Let me know what you think, please. I appreciate it. Additionally, for reasons beyond my immediate control, this blog is best viewed with a browser based on the Gecko rendering engine. This means anything from Mozilla, or I guess Netscape if you are so inclined.

Losing My Wisdom

I had this long paragraph written out about where I wanted to go with this blog, but fuck that. I put this shorter paragraph here to replace that, and to console myself for the time I just wasted writing it.

I have been on some sort of self-inflicted "house arrest" for the past week or so. There was this guy who knocked me out cold and stole a few things from the inside of my mouth. Woke up all dazed, not a care in the world. But I didn't know what happened to me. All I knew was that I felt really good and really fucking terrible all at the same time. Slept a lot. Ate a lot. Yeah, I had this huge appetite. For some reason, when it hurt the most to eat, is when I decided I was the hungriest.

Day one: Stuck inside. Baby food, no crackers. Oatmeal flavor good. Rice flavor mediocre. Chewing, pain. But chewing anyway. Tongue and jaw, no feeling. Tongue and jaw, existing only in mouth, not in mind. Numb.

Day two: More yogurts and mush. Still stuck inside. No meat for a hungry carnivore. Tongue and jaw, now feeling. Cold and numbness gone. Warmth and pain here.

Day three: Monkey growing on back. Getting heavier. Brain getting happier. Cheeks getting bigger. Beard growing longer. Stay in same clothes. No shower yet. Grunge.

Day four: Monkey beginning to think he is here to stay; making me happier. Making more personable person. Monkey comes, pain goes. Monkey leaves, pain stays. Inverse relationship?

Day five: Stable state of mind. Independence from monkey, finally. But still missing him. Like out of town friend? Maybe. Now visiting with monkey's younger brother. Nice too, still helps to keep pain at bay. To be continued?

"Your Confidant"

DO YOU REALLY THINK I MAINTAIN THIS FOR MY OWN GOOD

For all the weeks or months that no one come here, no post I make, no read, no write - this blog hungrier. Now it feed finally.

My friend come to this place, make writing. It happen before. It happen now and then. Never before, it happen like this.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOkay. Believe or not, I have a new friend. It is not quite a monkey on my back. Let us say, it is sort of like a cricket. But this cricket started very small (chirping very equally spaced out), but this cricket has grown into somewhat of a more noticeable nuisance (chirping becoming slightly more constant, frequency rising). Or pleasance? Or both? Who can tell.

Either way, it is clear that this cricket's purpose is to keep me from reading about the monkey. I think the monkey was last noted to be 35 pounds on the back of some fictional character. Doesn't the cricket realize it is only a sad mimicking act of the monkey it is keeping me from? Why won't it let me reach the monkey?

I don't, after all, really know if I do want to reach the monkey. I think it is the sort of thing where, if I was to come into contact with said monkey, it would automatically be latched onto my back. Would I have a choice to remove it? No, I think at that point, I might lose all control. I think that at that point, it would no longer be up to me. I think at that point, I would be offering free "piggy back rides" to any "creature" that wanted to latch itself onto me.

Of course, from an immature standpoint, these would all be positive musings. But I am not sure.

Now, to briefly introduce a third "creature." It has been in transit for the past few days. Via the air. Then delays. This creature is also attached to another entity. Another leeching creature, if you will. But it's been at it for much longer than the small cricket on my back...dare I say it's grown even to something of a bear? Can a bear rest on one's back?

Oh, out of control, I know.

- "Your Confidant"

I am happy to be here; I am happy? I am happy?

Hello, etc.

I am named one of them. I am come here by design. It is my default action to displace much data. Stream it from my brain, onto keyboard, through computer. Feel it and see it running through data chips and flowing wires; if I indent my paragraphs so, then I follow preset scheme. My life is falling into place: just a piece fitting into larger puzzle. This is what I am believe. Nothing.

I don't need question myself. I am know for sure what I do here. Questions are kind not important. Listen, etc. You come here by choice. Dear God, I pray don't realize my fictions. I make up kind word. Kind words not for you.

Able I.

"Your Confidant"